Voiceofnpc officially endorses Santa Clause

The voiceofnpc staff has officially come to the conclusion that Santa Clause does in fact exist.

It is virtually impossible that the same parents that have given us curfews and chores could also be responsible for staking all those remote control cars and barbie dolls under the Christmas trees.

We decide that the reason that so many parents have so avidly worked to convince their children that Santa isn't real is that they want all the glory for the great gifts.

Also, by making us think that they put the gifts there, they have the power to "take away our Christmas presents" if we are bad, which I have been threatened with on multiple occasions.

Just a word of advice to all of you, don't worry about your parents' empty threats of "canceling Christmas", Santa and his elves are an unstoppable force that no parents can stop no matter how hard they try.

And if any ever tries to convince you that Santa is a lie, here are some facts that prove his existence: (Santa apologetics if you will)

1. Notice how small the screws are on all the toys, obviously they were made by elves.

2. Notice how your parents open the flue of the fireplace before bed, or make sure the back door is unlocked.

3. Parents always seem very surprised/shocked by the gifts you open, clearly they have no idea what your getting.

4. There have been multiple accounts of people seeing reindeer flying, though the government quickly, and quietly "eliminates" all who witness these events.

5. He has an 800 number.

312-924-3730 the voiceofnpc wish list number is 1077791

P.S. This is likely the last post until the end of break, unless something real extraordinary happens.

Like Northpointe, Michigan's tax plan doesn't include snow plows.... Leaving thousands stranded

So if any of you stuck around school long enough today, you may have noticed an unprecedented number of people walking around with pizza boxes.

Well, allegedly what at first started out as a minor detail that was ove looked, turned into one of the biggest party fouls of the 21st century.

What happened was that the lunch crew conveniently forgot to let Little Caesars know that there is no lunch this week.

Now this brings another question to mind.

Why is it that on the worst week of the year they choose to not only take away all our fun by giving exams, but also think its okay to take away our food. Last I checked over 50% of humans require food to survive.

So how exactly do they expect us to pass exams, on material we never covered (see previous post), while our stomachs are literally eating themselves from the inside out?

I can just see it now, the teachers are all sitting around a table in the teachers' lounge, which is a suspiciously over protected area (Mr. Curtis stands in front of the door between classes... literally every single day), all placing bets on who is going to break down into tears in the hallways, and who is going to be the first to either pass out or die in class from exhaustion.

Lucky for us we were able to beat the system and many of us actually were given pizza (when I say given I mean a charge of $3) It was a last day's ration to prevent many deaths on the final exam days; my guess is they don't want to deal with the paper work.

And all you suckers who thought NPC was giving you a great deal on pizza, think again. As it turns out, they got the pizza for free and then sold it to us so they could add money to the betting pool.

Beware of potential college exams

Just a little heads up that apparently it is now okay for teachers to give you college exams in place of high school ones. And these aren't just any old college exams, these exams are coming straight from predominate American colleges across the country such as Brown, Duke, Cornerstone, Harvard, Cornell, and Calvin.

And in many cases, these exams will cover material that you've never covered.

Examples:

The Critical Thinking exam: Which clearly had nothing to do with What Mr. Hoffman taught because I didn't recognize a single word on it. From what I could tell it was some sort of mix between calculus and mandarin and the 8th grade grammar compensy test.

So my advice to you is that all you hard working students out there: Give up.

Simply put your pencil down and grab a pack of matches and go all Farenheit 451 on your study material. And do something more productive.

Such as:

Building Snowmen

Building an igloo

Going sledding

Facebook

failblog.org

And my personal choice: http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/bY85KSENBFVcVHo0

The worst week ever only hours away

Well I don't think I need to remind you that exams kick off tomorrow.

Just a fore warning to all of you "freshies" out there who haven't quite had the chance to experience exams.

You're likely going to want to kill yourself by 9:45. But don't be alarmed; this is natural.

Exams are known for being the birth place of many kids' first life crisis.

Essentially, what is going to happen is that you are going to take the exam, and then dread the day your parents see the grades. Now ideally they don't see them until well after Christmas, because kids have been known for losing Christmas gifts over grades. Depending on when your parents stumble upon these grades, has a great effect on how long you will likely remain under house arrest.

Also, there is no need to feel alone when the exam is handed out and you realize that you don't know any of the answers on the first page. This is also very common.

It actually gives the teachers great delight to see you break out in a cold sweat and ask to use the bathroom because you feel sick. It means they're doing their job ( reminder: the school goes into lockdown during exams so no bathrooms.... bring an empty water bottle).

And since your classmates are likely as clueless as you are, feel free to take a peek at their test every now and again.

So pointers for you exam takers:

1. Before you get to class try to determine who is the most well prepared in the class and sit next to them. During the test try to gradually scoot your desk closer to them, and make sure your tests are consistent with one another. (Don't worry, the teachers are totally cool with this.)

2. Bring plenty of pencils and extra erasers.

3. Bring food and a water bottle (preferably one that your not afraid to pee in if need be)

4. (optional) Its not a bad idea to bring something for your teacher, like money. This has been known for greatly increasing peoples grades.

While studying for the exams, its not a bad idea to destress every few minutes.

Things that work well:

1. Dart boards with teachers on them

2. Fireworks (use outdoors for best results)

3. And working in study groups has been shown an increase in productivity (as shown below)

Mr. Molda, and his equally icy friend from the portable

So recent reports have shown that Mr. Molda isn't single handedly ruining everyone's day by making them snow shoe their way to school. 

Apparently Jim Hofman is his partner in the fight to kill fun, and is just letting Mr. Molda take the fall for it. 

 

 Mr. H (with one F) seemingly just wants to hide behind those big kind eyes, and make us all think he's on our side by saying things like "Yeah, we should have had a snow day. Those roads were really bad". And then he just laughs to himself knowing Mr. Molda is going to get booed as he walks down the hall

   

 So it looks like Jack Frost is being outmatched 2:1. But I'm not worried because Jack Frost is known for being incredibly powerful.

WAR!

Well the voiceofnpc team has given google more then ample time to reinstate our adsense account and refund the money. 

Their failure to do so leaves us no choice but to declare war. 

    

 Thats right, we are now officially in a state of war. We haven't been able to actually make contact with google yet to let them know we are at war, but hopefully they are reading this post. 

    

What does this mean for blog readers: 

1. Never, under any circumstance may you use the google search engine (they'll probably find some way to take your money if you do) 

2. Whenever possible you must speak out against google by saying this like, "Google sucks" and "Google cheats"

3. If you are ever in California you should make an effort to go and egg the Google headquarters..... And be sure to leave a note telling them they picked a fight with the wrong blog.  

 

   

    

Thanks to Alan Shepard we now have an excellent banner to put on our uniforms for this war. 

Asian food voted worst cafeteria food ever!

An official survey was conducted by FSN (Food for School Network (a branch of the OSN)) which showed that asian food day is statistically the worst day to eat in the cafeteria. 

 

 Do any of you actually look at what your putting in your mouth? Because you really should. 

I think everyone needs to take a good hard look at this picture. 

 

 Let me walk you through what your seeing here. 

 

In the upper left your seeing some white rice that was canned well over a decade ago top with some kind of honey, Ketchup and salt mix that was blended together and then allowed to ferment for a few days. 

 

In the upper right you'll see what they like to call "the egg role" but in reality is is just the leftovers from the past month that were blended together and rapped in a stale tortilla (only god knows what all is in that thing). 

 

 

And the Grand Finally down at the bottom. Which we have been able to confirm exactly what it is but it appears to be a goo of some kind that Mr. Molda scraped of the bottom of the bus and mixed with the fetal pig remnants from anatomy; and then told his wife to sell it to us innocent teenagers. 

 

So unless your name is Jay Cho, who apperently, from the bible morning surveys, survives solely on white rice, I recommend that you avoid eating the asian food at all cost.  

Google punishes successful websites.

So  apparently Google is so jealous of the fact that voiceofnpc is more popular  than google.com, yahoo.com, and usa.gov combined, that they decided to not only to remove all of their ads and terminate (yes terminate was the word they used in the email) my AdSense account, but they are also refusing to pay the $21.97 I earned. 

I see no reason why I should be punished for creating a successful website. Apparently they are accusing me of fraud and saying that I solicited "invalid clicks". Which is completely ridiculous because I put a post up which explicitly said "Do not click the ads". 

But don't worry, the voiceofnpc staff aren't going down without a fight. And I have personally already sent them an email concerning the matter. 

The email:

To the dream crushers it may concern,

How dare you  steal my ads right out from under my nose and make       these ridiculous accusations?

 

Who do you think you are? 

I mean honestly, where do you get off stealing $20 of hard earned cash from an 18ish year old, when you are a $20 billion dollar company? 

Also, I thought you should know that I strongly resent the term that you seemed to have labeled me with, that term being "fraudulent".  

I feel you have used that term far too loosely. 

If you do not reinstate my account immediately and refund all the money you stole, thats right I said stole, with interest. Then there are going to be major consequences for your entire staff. 

See you in court, 

Love, 

An angry customer

Well I sent this letter about 5 minutes ago so I'm expecting a phone call from the CEO within the hour. And he had better be profusely apologizing or there will be some major repercussions.

OSN (Optimistic snow-day Network) Raises Snow day chance to 97.35%

The OSN interrupted Ty Penington's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" tonight,( which horrified stay- at -home moms across the nation), to announce that the potential snow day rating just jumped to 97.35%.

The only thing that stands in Jack Frost way, is the ever present Mr. MOLDAnator. Anaylses are saying that it is literally suicide for Mr. Molda to not call a snow day.

Many of you may be asking, "Why would he risk our well being to have school?"

To find this answer we must turn back a few pages in our history books to the Blizzard of '07, in which Mr. Molda lost the fight to Jack Frost, and was forced to call not one, but two snow days.

Now this loss of one battle typically wouldn't mean much to Molda, but to add insult to injury it is said that students arrived at school the day following the blizzard chanting,

"The blizzard of '07 was a lot like heaven".

So the real reason Mr. Molda refuses to give snow days can be summed up in one word:

REVENGE!

Thats right, you may all have to sacrifice your life tomorrow so the MOLDAnator can have his revenge.

Epidemic sweeps through school... Suspicions of foul play

Miss Strayer was suddenly and unexpectedly struck violently ill only hours before the middle school play today. 

But people don't think this is just any old flu. Reports show that she is suffering from smallpox, though the symptoms are similar to chickenpox. 

How did this happen? 

Suspicions are that Tri-unity Christian purposefully infected her home with the virus as an act of hate for our always- successful plays.  

To be honest, I'm not surprised. I mean what would you do if you were constantly living in the shadow of NPC middle school plays? That, paired with the jealousy they have of our superior sports program, gives them more than ample motive for committing this terrible crime. 

Apparently, their government program is also lacking, and no one told them biological warfare is a federal offense. 

And to all those Tri-unity kids that think they are going to get away with this; I have two words of warning: 

C-Squad 

Shadda 

No money in NPC budget for a snow plow

It seems that our 7k tuition and 5 dollar parking fee does not include a snowplow service of any kind. Is this smart NPC?, leaving fresh, new, slippery snow in a parking lot for people to slip on and break their pelvises ? Absolutely not; here are two reasons. . .

First, every year numerous people slip on their way into to school making their bad day even worse, not to mention losing their dignity as they enter school. I for one simply do not feel safe going to school in the morning knowing that I will likely fall at least once on my way. 

In my opinion, they simply don't care about your safety, if they did care about our safety they would have called a snow day today. Also, it is going against the Bible to leave the parking lot un-plowed. "How is not plowing a parking lot against the bible?" one might ask. The answer is the Bible says do not tempt, and every time i see snow covered parking lot, I get this urge to take my car and do doughnuts for hours on end, which endangers everyone within sight. 

Keep in mind that in previous years, multiple students have gotten busted for doughnuts, burn-outs, and the likes. So, be careful everyone... The parking lot is now a baited trap that NPC is trying to get you to fall into so they have a reason to take even more of your money. 

I for one am choosing not to attend school until I feel that it's safe to cross the parking lot. 

P.S. Many of you may have noticed how terribly hard it was to clean your car off. Remember Alex and Brice will do it for $2 ($3 for valet) and with their shirts off for $5. 

Hobo Thursday

Well the grand tradition started by Nick Fikkert and Curtis Felton was carried on in something less then full force today. But like last Thursday, we are suspicious of their alter motives for choosing the theme of "Hobo" for today's event.

It is very possible that they chose it as a form of "silent protest" to Granholm's inability to provide jobs for Michigan; the subliminal message being that Granholm is forcing people out of their homes, and onto the streets.

One of the less silent protesters was quoted saying, "Granholm leaves you Holmless" (because it sounds like home and it rhymes).

What makes you cool at NPC

To start, I apologize to readers with ADD for this long post, but if you can concentrate and focus through the whole thing it will be very worth while. - Thank you, (VoiceofNPC staff).

I have gone to NPC for quite a while (7th-12th grade) and I have casually been observing what makes you socially acceptable at NPC or in simple terms what makes someone cool. I have shrunk it down to "the short list" to make it easier for people who are less cool to get back into their groove.

Anyways, at the top of the list is if you want to be cool you absolutely have to drink excess amounts of energy drinks. Let's face it, if you are walking around with the Monster BFC in your hand broadcasting that you have just had a pound of sugar and an overdose on caffeine diluted in water, you're pretty much baller (use this term often in your quest of coolness.)

To continue off of that, (coolness works in chain reactions), after downing your energy drink of choice, maybe even two of them, you need a way to broadcast all your newly found adrenaline. The good news is that there are two ways to do this. The first way: go lift weights in the weight room, because the more you can lift, the cooler you are. (Also, Gold Club T-shirts make you instantly cool, feel free to stop reading if you are a member, for this advice you don't need). Reminding people that you can lift more than them also boosts you up the cool ladder just as a Gold Club or even Royal Club T-shirt does (GNC products and steroids help). The second way to release this adrenaline, without strenuous activity, is sitting in your beater car and listen to music at obnoxious sound levels. Also, to do this, one further step must be taken. All this music (if it can be called music anymore), has to be played through crappy speaker systems not designed to be used in cars. Also, the older the better: it's more BA that way, believe me. (Examples include stereos from your room plugged into your car as well as stereos that were the music centers of 80's living rooms work the best.) Finally, another helpful hint to burn this new adrenaline off is to make sure you have a friend in the car with you.

The last piece of the short list is in order to be cool, one must be gifted in the area of articulate speech. No, I am not talking about debate or any other form of forensics, but rather the art of talking smack, being cocky, and being a master of put downs and come backs. It's true, nothing is worth defending if it can't defend itself, so the art of communication is key. For instance, it is necessary to find conversation that applies only to your level of cool, and if someone who isn't as cool as you tries to talk to you, make sure you "gently" remind them of their place. Take the senior class for example; they are virtually overwhelmed by the number of cool people in their class (no sarcasm here).

And then on the opposite side of the spectrum. . . . you have the junior GUYS, which have more than their fair share of problems (don't get any ideas about tee-peeing us over this one; you will regret it).

But don't worry there is still the potential that the seniors will take you under their wing as apprentices.

Well there you have it everyone, the short list on how to be cool at NPC. Hope this all works out for you.

P.S. I have to accredit this post to Michael Wiersma

Jostens (creeper) team photo crew preys on Northpointe

Well it is that time of year again. The time when the Jostens photography crew shows up with the alias that they are taking team photos. But I think we all know that this is not their only motive. 

What they really are doing is "pursing the merchandise", and by that I mean they are photographing our school's athletes so they can sell the photos on the internet. 

I for one, am offended by this. The sole reason for me not playing winter sports anymore is because I discovered  this photo of myself, (into which they photoshopped some girl), while surfing the web.... Which they apparently sold to Hollister.  

 My advice: Demand your senior photo back 

Molda strikes again

As a desperate act by Mr. Molda to prove that he doesn't care what we think of him, he again showed his defiance/ lack of judgment and spit in the face of Jack Frost by allowing regular school hours to continue.

This time we weren't as lucky to get away without causing any injuries. And poor Allie got into a nearly fatal car accident while attempting the brave the treacherous journey over the ice covered roads in an attempt to further her NPC education.

Keep her in your prayers.

Mr. Molda, I know many people are going to have to face near certain death before you're willing to give up and allow Jack Frost to win this battle.

Face it, it's a losing fight.

Reminder: NPC Mustangs take on Saugatuck Donkey's

Everyone remember to come and support NPC's Girls basketball game tonight at 7pm as they trample Saugatuck into the ground.

UPDATE:

NPC won by a landslide

Demons in Barnes and Nobles

That's right, you read it right. We have officially confirmed that there are demons in Barnes and Nobles.

According the the 12th grade English substitute, ( who is also a prominent employee of B&N) there are indeed, "demons", primarily in the teen book section of Barnes and Nobles.

And when one student objected to this claim, saying he had never seen them, she remarked, "If you don't feel them then you aren't close enough to God"

I for one, am not surprised by this. I have always been a little suspicious of that store, particularly the medicine section (which includes voodoo magic books).

The confirmation of these B&N demons makes me wonder about the school's ulterior motives behind the so called "leisure reading".

Honestly, isn't anyone else slightly alarmed by the fact that we are required to read books on our own time, and that it is highly recommended that we buy them from Barnes and Nobles?

I don't think it's out of the question to think that the English department could be in cahoots with the B&N demon gang.

Mr. Molda, cold as ice

Jack Frost came out in full force last night and obliterated the roads. (Apparently, he hasn't heard about the global warming crisis).

Yet, Mr. Molda appears to be completely oblivious to the driving conditions and utilized his impeccable judgment and decided to endanger everyone's well being by still having school today. . . . despite the fact that all the schools within 100 miles of NPC were shut down indefinitely (good thinking Molda...... We owe you one).

REMINDER:

It is still not safe to go outside alone.

Remember to have your wills prepared and to wear your cleats, parkas, and tie a rope and bell to your ankle (see previous post), in case of death.

Google Adsense rules:

Many of you more observant viewers may have noticed that we have added ads to the blog.

For those of you with lower IQ's, they are in the box on the left  >>>>>

We did this to generate a small amount of revenue for the work that goes into the blog; although,

 Google did lay down some rules for us about having ads on the site.

One of the major ones:

Legally we can't tell you to click on at least one ad every time you visit the site. 

So you definitely shouldn't click the ads because that would generate revenue for us. 

Follow up. (Blizzard Warning, Imminent school closures)

The OSN (Optimistic Snow-day Network) just confirmed that the flash blizzard we are now experiencing is indeed the surprise attack from Jack Frost that they warned of earlier. People are warned that leaving their homes will result in near certain death, and to remain in  heated buildings at all times. 

For those of you that are curious as to how bad this could get, the OSN is recommending that you watch "The Day After Tomorrow". 

Additionally, it is encouraged that if you do venture outside, wear golf shoes or cleats of some sort, as to avoid slipping and seriously injuring your pelvis, or, worse. And to all those thrill seekers out there that think their mittens can stand up to the cold, it is recommended that you tie a rope to your foot and a flag to your head so your family can see where you are buried and drag you back inside to thaw by the fire.  

Thanksgiving update

Well everyone had to brush of their parkas this week to avoid catching hypothermia while making make the long trek from the end of the parking lot down to the front doors of school. Thankfully, the guards let everyone out on parole so we can all go to our grandparents' house and pretend that we are just over joyed to see them again. 

Keep in mind this Thanksgiving to check the country of origin on your turkey. According to Mr. Anderson, literally anything that has come in contact with China has been poisoned by lead, and you shouldn't go within 10 feet of it.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

We'll see you all when parole's up.  

Blizzard Warning, Imminent school closures.

This just in: Regular broadcasting of Desperate Housewives was abruptly interrupted, ( much to the dismay of 15 year- old girls across America), to air an urgent alert from OSN (Optimistic Snow Day Network). 

NOTICE:  Although snowfall does appear to be slowing, old Jack Frost is just waiting for the right moment to snow us all in. It is advised that you avoid any place you would not like to be snowed into over break (e.g. school, work, the bathroom etc.)

All Northpointers are strongly advised to skip school tomorrow to prevent the possibility of being stranded there over Thanksgiving, in which case you would more likely be celebrating "Cranks Giving", which faculty have clearly begun celebrating a little early this year. 

In Addition: it is highly encouraged that everyone take time to read:

"How to survive being stranded in snow" 

http://www.essortment.com/hobbies/survivebeingst_tvdv.htm

Update from senior retreat

Immediately upon arrival at the compound, each student had his or her name taken away and was given a number ( a lot like prison), which corresponded to our work detail. The students participated in many activities under the watchful eye of the guards. Certain students at one point made an attempt to enjoy themselves between breaks by interacting with people of the opposite sex, but apparently there is a new policy stating "Two individuals of opposite genders may not speak to each other unless a teacher is present". Which is definitely reasonable because talking is almost as bad as "doing the dirty". And we all know that everyone's parents would be throughly disgusted if they knew that teachers allowed students to talk to one another, after all they don't want school corrupting our minds with ideas of "co-ed friendship" and the likes.   

Word of The Day:

Dictionary:

lascivious: (la-siv'-ee-us) adj. reflecting or producing sexual desire or behavior, especially that is considered indecent or obscene.

 

NPC handbook

lascivious: ( la-siv'-ee-us) verb. talking, especially with out a teacher overseeing the conversation. 

There is a new epidemic, proceed with caution....

Today on November 20th, another case of the "Boredom Headache" has caused more students to go home sick. One such victim, Ross Saur, who after a brief interview, said that the office allegedly didn't have any tylenol for him. I smell conspiracy, for I have noticed that lectures, note taking, quizzes, tests, and projects are getting way more boring than they used to be. Thus, boredom.... being the terrible germ that it is is causing multiple of these cases, and teachers love to spread, (Is Dave Hamilton suffering from this too?), the question is, why? It is easy to speculate that most of the faculty want a day to themselves, so why not just spend a week on vacation while your workplace gets quarantined? It's fool proof, poison students with boredom, add malnutrition (see previous note), and take away any medication to combat it and what do you get? Right, a different version of the Hope college deal, a school shut down for a week. Let's be honest though, who doesn't need a break once in a while? but breaks suck if you are experiencing boredom- caused headaches, which leads to dementia, and dementia leads to an early demise. News flash, killing students is illegal and also, with no students, there are no teaching jobs. So, once we are all dead... good luck finding new jobs (As if it wasn't hard enough in Michigan, it is only going to get harder with the continued poor leadership of Gov. Granholm and who could forget our soon to be president, Barry Dunham. aka Barrack Obama.) 

Classy Thursday

As part of the newly formed tradition or as a promotion of Quantum of Solace,( it's still under investigation), students school- wide brushed off their suits from last year's homecoming to dress classy today at school; to the great delight of Mr. Hoffman and Mr. Anderson. 

It is not yet determined what two Thursdays from now will be like. There are rumors floating around that it will be something to the nature of "stay away Thursday," which implies that students will remain in bed in place of going to school. 

This idea is particularly popular because it rhymes; and everyone knows "if it rhymes its true."

Lunch ladies force students to shed pounds before Thanksgiving feast

It is too early to tell how deep the scandal goes, but initial reports show that the entire lunch crew is in on it. Today marked the beginning of an  attempt to force students to "shed some pounds" before Thanksgiving.  The idea is to maintain our school body's athletic appearance, by limiting the amount of food intake in preparation for the weight they will gain over Thanksgiving break. 

Recommendation:

Start packing your own lunch.

More to come.  

Icy roads put first hour classes in jeopardy

Students awoke to a chilling 19 degrees this morning and embarked on  the first of many epic journeys over the ice slicked roads. Apparently, the economic down turn has really taken an effect on the Grand Rapids road commission's ability to spread salt, and have thus decided to spread sand on the roads. This has created some major set backs in the flow of traffic and NPC was forced to postpone the start of the school day.